Ain't No Smoke

First came UKpoker, with the database of Mark's ever so impressive online results.

Then in chipped the Hendon Mob, with their exhaustive trawl through tournament results the world over (except the ones that didn't comply with Data Protection! Presumably Mr Anon of Brighton doesn't want the Child Support Agency to know how much he's winning).

So here at Bastard Towers, we decided to announce the formation of our own Bastard Database. We aim to bring to you a comprehensive list of all players banned from casinos in the UK, with a short description of the misdeed (or more likely, outright criminality) that caused their downfall.

But folks, we cannot do this without the generous help of our loyal - and growing - readership, so we hereby invite all of you to name and shame as many people as possible by sending details to pokerbastard@hotmail.com, or by a comment to this post.

You send 'em, we'll post 'em.

Bastard Gongs 2004

Player of the Year

Best - James Vogl. Managed to win massive World Series event despite the handicap of being coached by Ron "Mad Yank" Fanelli and Victor Bede.
Worst - Barny Boatman. Has sponsorship money ever been spent worse?

Tournament Performance of the Year

Best - Xuyen Pham. So there IS a decent player in that relationship!
Worst - Marty Wilson. "Wasn't his hand mucked?"

Cardroom of the Year

Best - The Vic. Well managed, high quality staff, and good numbers of players.
Worst - The Western. Was supposed to be the answer to a London poker player's prayers, but is merely an 800 seater white elephant that hosts what is basically a private game for the club's many owners.

Standard of Play at Cardroom

Best - The Vic, unfortunately.
Worst - Southampton. More play that has you gasping at it's incompetence than anywhere else in the UK.


Cardroom Staff of the Year

Best - The Vic. No frills, just incredibly competent.
Worst - Luton. Full of frills, but incredibly incompetent.

Dealer of the Year

Best - Deano, Vic. Doesn't make mistakes, ever.
Worst - Grey haired middle aged guy at Gutshot. More interested in getting involved in the players conversations and fawning over female players than in dealing properly.

Poker Website of the Year

Best - The Mob Forum. Useful information and entertaining ireverrence.
Worst - For the umpteenth year in succession UKPoker.com. I won't link to it, don't go there.

Poker Blog of the Year

Best - The Camel's blog. Funny, impassioned, and usually right.
Worst - The Wise Owl. Cutting and pasting fawning interviews is not a blog.

Like Moths To A Flame.

Reading reports of the Brighton Festival this week, I notice that among the leaders of the main event is none other than "cricketer Ed Giddins".

How at home this guy must feel among the cheats and card sharps of the Brighton Rendezvous, for this is the man who is currently banned from all forms of cricket for 5 years, having been found guilty of betting £7,000 on his county (Surrey) to lose a National League game. Earlier in his career, he had been sacked by a previous county and banned for 18 months, having tested positive for cocaine at a random drugs test.

Isn't it nice when fine upstanding members of the sporting world grace our poker rooms with their presence?

Poker Loopy

A post appeared on the Hendon Mob forum from one Andy Pyrah (who a google search tells me works for Matchroom), about the PacificPoker.com UK Open that graced out TV's last week.

Assuming the poster is indeed who he says he is, Mr Pyrah says, among other things, this -

Marty is a true proffesional (sic) at what ever he does, be it, playing in front of the cameras, working behind the scenes every hour of every day, or entertaining the online qualifers back at the hotel, ensuring that they enjoy their stay - There's nobody better at what he does.

If he is trying to suggest that a true professional would deliberately try and take the chips from a pot knowing that he hadn't won it, I'm afraid that Mr Pyrah knows less about the game than he claims to do.

Liam Flood is the best around. Anyone questioning Liam's credentials should hang their head in shame. Every 'TRUE' proffesional (sic) out there will agree.

Saying that someone is "the best around" doesn't make it so. Attacking people who rightly criticise Flood for the debacle of the wrongly awarded pot does not diminish Flood's responsibility. He fucked up, admit it.

Padraig Parkinson - This guy has been there done it, got the t-shirt several times over. How many of the 'posters' which knock him will achieve what he has in their lifetime?

Well, if they handed out awards for the most alcohol consumed by a poker player, then yes, Parkinson (did they name the shaking disease after him?) would be the poker equivalent of The Simpsons, but does no-one else see the irony of a NON poker player having a go at poker players for their lack of achievements in the game! What the fuck have YOU achieved Mr Pyrah?

The fact remains that this show is the latest in a long line of shoddy, unattractive and badly edited TV poker shows, with the now de rigeur inane commentary.

And every 'TRUE' proffesional out there will agree with me.